At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
