I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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