god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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