Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
