He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
