Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
