the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
