last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
