I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
