I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
