My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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