Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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