Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
