ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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