If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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