I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
