she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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