I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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