I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
