I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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