you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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