I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
