Soap is not a condiment
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
