I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
