I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
