i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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