Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize