are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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