Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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