So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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