so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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