he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm just crazy horny about you
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
