Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
i've created a new STD.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
