I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
