george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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