So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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