come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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