FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
