i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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