...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
