Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
