I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
