How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
