No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
