At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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