Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
