I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
