i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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