do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
