I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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